Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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