I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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