Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
