I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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