We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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