you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
