Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
