I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
