it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
