New low: just hacked my moms facebook
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
