you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you would pick up someone in the library
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
