you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
