I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
