I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
