you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
