You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
