how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
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I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
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Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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