last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
