4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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