i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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