Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
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