On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
