Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
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Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
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Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high