someone threw a dead crab at me
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?