You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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