Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
