$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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