Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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