either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
