I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
