I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
