wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
