for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
