I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
