he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
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Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize