Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
