you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
