Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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