what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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