I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
