my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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