Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Randomize
