dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I wish you could order shots online.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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