so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
