when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
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My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
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There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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