listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
