If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
