masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Pants are for mortals
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
