My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
