My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
