Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
